I was raised in a Christian home from the time I was a child. I remember seeing my dad get saved when I was 5 or 6. I remember the change in his life. I was too young to understand at that time. I saw my dad who was an alcoholic a man that I was once afraid of as a child turn his life around 180 degrees. I no longer was scared of him he became my best friend and to this day still is. I have watched him grow with God and experience many heartaches, trials, and tribulations, but he never turned his back on God. He knew what God did for him and to this day has never forgotten. So, all my life I knew that God was good. As a teenager I decided I wanted my own rules and really didn’t like people telling me what to do much. So I started my own life that later led me to destruction.

I got involved with many kinds of drugs and I was an alcoholic by the time I was 18. I was involved with witchcraft and other things just trying to be noticed by others. I WAS!!! I was also a bully throughout high school. For some reason I was always ready to start a fight. I stayed in detention quite a lot because of that. I watched my best friend get shot by her boyfriend while we were strung out on acid. I watched another friend try or attempt to kill herself. One thing after another. I grew up quicker then I should have and learned life on the streets rather quickly. BY 10^th grade I was 16 and I decided to quit school. At that time you could on your own without parents permission or anything. I would run away from home because I wanted no authority and I sure did not want to hear about God. I was raped at 16 and ended up pregnant. I had a miscarriage due to my boyfriend kicking me in the stomach. I did not care. I never really cared. Reality just did not faze me. I did not want rules and I chose to go the party life. So I would try different drugs and have bad trips and hallucinations but nothing seemed to make me realize that I was doing wrong. It was like I had no conscience at all.

By 18, I moved away from home and started partying a lot I was lacing cocaine and marijuana together and smoking it.. I was drinking everyday... Then one day I found out that I was pregnant...The father meant nothing to me and I had no feelings for him whatsoever so I did not stay with him. I didn’t know what to think or do so I quit everything for the time being and carried her I had problems at the beginning of my pregnancy.. I was 97 pounds when I went to the doctor. For the first 4 months I had gained no weight and the doctor said that my ovary had swollen and that I would not be able to carry her. But I ended up doing fine. Into my 6^th month all was well. On December 15, 1992 I had given birth to a beautiful little girl. I named her Paula. She was very healthy and full of life. After a while I decided to go look for happiness.. I was always looking in the wrong places.

I had gotten involved with a guy that I did fall in love with. At the time I did not know but he was involved deeply with crack-cocaine. But by that time it was too late. I was pregnant with a second child. I loved the father so I thought that all would turn out okay.. I was wrong. He was so addicted to crack that he took everything that I had. All my money,he pawned my car, he took my heart and crushed it into a million pieces. I thought that love would see us through but I was wrong!! On Feb 3 1995 I gave birth to a little boy named Joshua. He was adopted by his fathers parents and I do not see him.. I hold his memory in my heart.

I fell apart after all of this and started taking downers and even drinking worse then ever. I hated any form of reality I tried to hide from it.. I cried myself to sleep. Over and over I would relive my life. I was full of whys and what ifs? I never got any answers. I could not understand why everything was falling apart.. Why did I hurt so bad? Paula was living with her father he got custody of her and still has her to this day, and my son was gone.. I had lost everything I loved. Soon After I was diagnosed with cancer.. I didn’t care whether I died or not at that time.. But in my own way I was scared.. I never imagined my life to be over with at such a young age, but I was willing to accept it at this time. I felt as if I had nothing to live for. I was totally and completely in a state of depression and would try everything to ease the pain. I would drink alone until I would eventually just pass out. I would awake the next morning in the floor somewhere wondering how I had got there. I was destroying myself more and more each day. Then one day, I visited my parents and my dad prayed with me. When I went back to the doctor the cancer was gone.. I could not believe it why would God want to help me I did nothing for him but live a life of complete misery!? My dad had enough faith for me that day when I had none. I just did not know what to think at this point. I was starting to break and my heart was very thankful.. But How could God help me if I could not help myself?

I got involved in a very abusive relationship physically. I was being under the control of this person. He was a complete alcoholic and would black out and go crazy and say things to hurt my feelings as well as come after me with knives and hit me with other objects. He would then come to and not remember a thing after he had totally humiliated me as well as destroy my self esteem. I would cry and beg him to stop and he would laugh at me. It was like every time that I looked at him, I could see the devil in his eyes looking at me and laughing. Things kept getting worse and worse. I left once and he began to stalk me and then he would call my parents house and threaten me. I went back once but things just were falling apart. This is when I heard Gods voice say "get out of there tonight or you will not be alive by morning" I knew that was possible so I hid from him until he was gone and I got a friend to bring me to my parents house.