I was never alone, Jesus was always there carrying me though, he was just waiting for me to see him

My parents were divorced before I can remember. My dad was a
musician, he was always in our lives (my sister and I) but he wasnt
really a father, he was more like a friend. He was also an alcoholic and
drug addict. My mom had the responsiblity of raising two daughters on
her own. She worked full-time and tried to keep the rent paid and clothes
on our backs. I guess the pressure became to much and she began to
drink and do drugs alot. She got married again to a man she didnt know for
very long. From what she and my sister tell me he was very abusive, he
sexually physically and mentally abused my sister and I for several
years. I used to wonder why my mom didn't have the strength to stop him,
this went on for several years until child protective services found out
about what he was doing and he disappeared cleaning out my mom's
checking account on the way. He got away with it, he was never caught for
what he did to us.

I dont have much memory of my childhood, only have like broken peices of glass,
little flashes of memories here and there and I know what my sister and my mom
have told me. I guess that is my mind's defense mechanism, I once saw a counselor
that said it was probably good I didnt remember, might be my mind's way of keeping
me sane. Then we got a little older I was around 12 my sister 14 when my mom
turned into the "cool" mom to all our friends. She allowed all our friends
to come over drink, get high, well just about whatever we wanted to do,
we had no discipline, we pretty much did whatever we wanted, I wish I
could take back alot I did during those years, but I cant.

When I was about 15 o 16 she got marrried again to a man she only knew for about
a week. He was a vietnam veteran and a severe drug addict and alcoholic,
she once told me he drank a gallon of vodka a day along with smoking
crack. He was bound by the devil, he was literally insane, why she couldnt
see that from the beginning I have no idea. I was terrified of
this man. He ran my sister out of her home, she was eighteen and she
moved in with a boyfriend to get away from him. I loved my mom so much,
I could never see any wrong in her. I always wanted to be with her. So
I stayed. He would get angry everytime I would speak to my sister,
because she was like an angel and she saw the evilness that filled him. She
was always trying to protect me. He got so mad one time because I
talked to her on the phone that he tried to break my bedroom door down, with
a big machete knife he had in his hands, I could hear my mom screamin
"no dont hurt her" and him beating on her. I was so terrified of this
man that I would climb in and out of my bedroom window to come in and out
of the house. I was to afraid to go through the front door and I slept
in a short hallway to the bathroom that was in my bedroom because I was
terrified he would break down my bedroom door and kill me at night.

Once I walked into the kitchen in the middle of the night to get some
water and flipped on the kitchen light only to see him sitting in
a chair in front of the refrigerator with the huge machete resting in
his lap, I became even more terrified and ran back and locked myself
back in the room. He went through a "everything is fine" stage and moved
me and my mom to a different apartment to start all over. I was devasted
by this because I would be moving from my friends and my sister. I
dropped out of high school by this time, my mom didn't seem to care much if
I went to school or not. I started going to a technical school to get
my GED, where I met my boyfriend at the time. My mom and her insane
husband said I should invite him over for dinner one night, they were both
drunk and high out of their minds, and of course my boyfriend and I
were drinking right along with them, it was normal for me, my mom always
allowed it. I didnt know any different. Her husband started just talking
crazy and sayin he was gonna murder my father and chop his head off
I was drunk and not afraid due to my drunkeness and challenged

He nearly killed me that night, if not for my boyfriend that night I
probably would not be alive today. He backed me into my bedroom and
locked the door behind us as my mom's husband came at me with the machete.
We were trapped in my room the rest of that night until he passed out.
I cried myself to sleep that night. The next day I realized that I
would have to leave my home and my mom if I wanted to stay alive. I was 16
years old. Ironically a cousin of mine lived directly behind me with
her husband and daughter. I went to her and told her what was going on
and she and her husband took me in. I am still greatful to them to this
day for doing that for me. I left my mom's house with only a few
clothes, and left behind years of memories, childhood pictures, memories of my
mom and my sister and dad. Just anything that had any sentimental value
I left behind, Memories of my grandmother who died pretty young
she was the only stable thing my sister and I ever had in our lives,
she introduces us to Jesus at a young age, she used to send us on the
"joy bus" to sunday school on sundays when were were little every now and
then, but I was really young and only had very little memory of that,
but it was one of my good memories, which were few and far between. So
anyway I left the house with only a few clothes and moved in with my

My mother's insane husband would never let me back in the house
and she was so terrified of him that she would walk right past me with
him without sayin a word to me, since I was living right behind them. One
day about a month later I watched as they packed up all of our
belonging and moved away. My mom left a note on my cousin's door the next
morning for me and my sister apoligizing, sayin not to try and find her
because he was threatening that he would bomb our homes and kill us and her
if we tried to contact the police or anyone. I didn't hear for my
mom for probably the next six months or so, to my sister and I it was
like she had died. I mourned for her terribly, I can never describe to
you the pain I felt. Finally months later we got a letter, she said he
was locking her in a trailer in the country while he would leave to
work and she slipped the letter to a woman that sent it for her, she said
he beat on often and that she didnt know if she would be alive much
longer and she was clear across the country. She told us not to try and
find her that if at all possible she would try and find a way to get

By this time my welcome had worn out at my cousin's and I was staying
from place to place and so was my sister. How we didnt end up dead or
prostitutes is only by the grace of God. We eventually got jobs, my
sister sang in clubs at night, she has a beautiful voice that God blessed
her with, and his gift kept her alive, now that I look back i see it
that way, it was her only means of making a living, we got an apartment
together and I worked telemarketing jobs to help pay the bills.
Things finally had some form of stability for the first time in our lives,
things seemed kind of normal. I was still seeing my boyfriend from tech
school, who was so mentally abusive I had no self esteem and gained
alot of weight, I didnt like myself at all. My mom eventually came back
into the picture, half beaten to death, she moved in with us and we had
to take care of her for a while, she went back and forth a few times
until she finally left him for good and his poor sick insane soul
eventually killed him, he committed suicide.

I learned basic office skills and had a pretty good job considering that I had
no education and eventually got my own apartment, then eventually my boyfriend moved
in with me, I became pregnant and smoked cigarettes so heavily that I lost my baby,
my boyfriend could care less. I was eight months pregnant and had to
still deliver the baby and I had to borrow money to have her buried,
well cremated I couldnt come up with enough money to have her
buried and he wouldnt help me pay for it. I spent nine years with this guy
and eventually he left me for someone else. I was devasted by this and
nearly killed myself drinking alone at night. My sister was bound by
panick disorder most of her life due to the childhood we lived through,
but she was invited to church by a friend and God delivered her from her
panick attacks and I could see the difference in her. She came to my
house every sunday and tried to get me to go to church with her, I would
be so hungover I would just yell at her to leave me alone. I felt so
alone and worthless and hated myself. One night while buying beer at the
corner store I purchased a candle with Jesus on it. I was planning on
lighting it and praying to God to help me, I was at rock bottom and
didnt know what else to do. While I was drunk again I lit the candle and
prayed and cried through my slurred speach for God to please help me.

I was all alone like always. I pushed everyone that cared anything
about me out of my life, I was so miserable who wanted to be around me. I
fell asleep drunk with the candle lit. I awoke to a loud exploding
sound that scared me half to death, the candle had exploded, and glass was
everywhere. I think it must have gotten to hot but it was like a sign
from heaven to me. I started going to church with my sister. I was so
insecure I couldnt even look anyone in the eyes. Everyone was so kind to
me anyway. I started getting more confident in myself and having more
friends. But I still had this shame that I couldnt shake. I learned more
and more about Jesus and I knew he was real and I loved him, but I
still couldnt bring myself to walk in front of the church and ask him into
my heart in front of all those people. One night my sister and I
decided to go to sunday school, my pastor did an invitation which was not
normally done at sunday school I saw my opportunity because not many
people were there. I bolted to the front and cried and accepted Jesus
into my heart. My life has never been the same, eventually I realized
that I didnt have to carry around all that pain and guilt around
anymore, Jesus would take it away from me if I would just trust him and give
it to him and that even when I didn't love myself he loved me still and I
started to find some worth in my life. I was able to forgive everyone
that had ever wronged me and I was finally able to forgive my mother and
my father. I accept them as they are now and love them anyway, although
they are still struggling with their addictions and are still bound by
the devil. I love them still and pray for them everyday that they can
find the peace that I have through Jesus.

My sister got married and had two daughters. One day on the way to church
in my car while I was driving we were hit by a drunk driver and my sister's
6 month old daughter was nearly killed. The doctor's said she wouldnt make it through
the night and if she did she would be 100% brain damaged. My sister
said I'm not accepting that I know God can heal my baby and I'm claiming
a miracle, we prayed and stayed at the hospital night and day. God gave
us a miracle and she was completely healed, she is about to turn five
years old. The doctors can't explain her miraculous recovery. Well I can
she was saved in the name of Jesus, by our faith and prayers. I have no
doubt God gave her back to us and because my sister was steadfast in
her faith. My sister and her husband eventually moved to another state
and I eventually followed, still straying every now and then I had a son
and I am a single parent. My son is now three years old and he is
everything to me. I have a good job and life is good. I have a peace about
me that I never had before. My soul is free, my walk with Jesus grows
stronger everyday and I'm excited about life. I have a new start, I can
leave my terrible past behind me and be free from it. Thank you God
for sending your only Son. I still have hard times everynow and
then and the normal ups and downs of life, but nothing can shake my faith
in Jesus and I know I can always turn to him.

I remember back when times were the worst and how I felt so alone but now I know
I was never alone, Jesus was always there carrying me though, he was just waiting
for me to see him. Why I went through the things in my life I don't
know, but I don't doubt God and I know he would never give me more than I
can handle. I try to tell my mom and anyone I can about the peace I
have, I can't give it justice, you can only know by having Jesus. I pray
that my mom and everyone that is struggling to find peace in their lives
can allow Jesus to change their heart and bring peace into their lives.
Well this is my story, and I hope it can be a blessing to someone and
help them find their way to Jesus, like I did.

Testimony submitted to the Breadsite. To submit yours click here.